Requiem for the Heart

It's been nearly a year since I met her.  A year spent trying to get her attention.  I knew I wanted to get to know her better from the moment I saw her sitting on the couch, watching Blizz-Con.  I've only been partially successful.  She still had many of the same features I remembered from our past: her wry sense of humor, her love of the outdoors, her amazing generosity and kindness of spirit.  These were mixed with new things as well: a deeper, stronger self-confidence.  She may not know exactly where she stands in this life, but she possess the courage to walk her path with her head high.  The more time I spent with her, the more interested I became.

I have several women who are drawn to me.  These are women who I can call anytime for advice, to vent my frustrations to, or even for a night of passion.  I don't say this to brag, just to state facts.  I adore these woman and I treasure the gifts they give me, but in each case, our relationship is gentle spark: comfortable and warm, but temporary.  They each have a husband to return to, or a life to continue leading  (Let me put a stop to any thoughts of marriage infidelity.  All activities were done with the full consent, and blessing, of the husband.)  and deep-down I know they are not "The One" for me.  This woman, the one sitting on the couch watching Blizz-Con was the first woman I have been seriously interested in for a very long time.  As I got to spend more time with her, my feelings deepened.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I was falling in love with her, but I was well on my way there.

But no matter much I wished for it to be so: She does not feel the same way about me.  I am just a friend to her.  Not even a close friend, either.  A second-tier friend who flitters across her thoughts occasionally, but is otherwise forgotten.  She has her best friend and she has her confidant.  There is no room in her life for me to get any closer.  She is not drawn to me like I am to her.  Maybe it is because I am fat.  Maybe it is because she does not like my personality, or doesn't like that I am a student.  I do not know.  All I know is that I am kept at arms length.  Literally, every time I think we are drawing closer emotionally she takes a deliberate step back and prevents us for connecting any deeper.

So I convince myself that it wouldn't work out.  I find a small flaw that I would gladly have overlooked and, in my mind, build it up to be a giant, uncrossable chasm.  My feelings are buried then, and we can be friends.  I turn into the loud-mouthed, lovably-arrogant asshat you have all come to know.  Things are good for awhile.  But she is who she is, and as time passes I fall for her all over again.  This cycle has repeated itself no less that twice over the past year.

This has me wondering: is there is anyone out there for me?  Am doomed to lead a bachelor's life?  I see people all around me getting married and starting families.  Most are much younger than I am.  Am I destined to be alone?  I've always felt I was a bit different than everyone else.  Not full-blown weird, just....off.

The women I mentioned earlier assure me I am "a great catch", and "this girl doesn't know what she is missing".  I know they mean well when they say these things, but I cannot help but wonder......they don't have to come home to me every night.  Would they still say the same thing if they did?

I appreciate you putting up with these moody ramblings.  Those of you that have read this blog since the start know I don't normally post self-serving drivel like this.  For whatever reason, I felt the need to put my thoughts to paper (Such as it is.) on this issue.  Thank you for reading.

-Shaun